Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five..

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child - eventually .

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said No, I made a few mistakes.